I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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