just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
