I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
