Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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