i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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