Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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