god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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