Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
