I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
