I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
