my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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