70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
