Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
