I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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