rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
