when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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