I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
