Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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