i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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