yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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