If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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