She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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