i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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