If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
