God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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