i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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