Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
