dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
