Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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