I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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