Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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