I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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