one might say we're banned from that church
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
