she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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