Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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