Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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