He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
