She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
