I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
