by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
