Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
