My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
