it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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