u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
