I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
