I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
