Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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