I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
