Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
