Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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