Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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