party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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