every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
