I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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