Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
