Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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