Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
