I'm eating all of the evidence.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
